In the past 21 years I have discovered an awareness of me that most people go to any lengths to escape, I know I did. I was terrified to get to know me, discover who I could be and should be beyond the victim and the survivor. Now mind you I did not set out to become anything other than a good mom, desiring to protect my children at all costs, but I was missing key skills. First I had to be capable of caring for me, at 16 years of age there was no way I had enough information to be able to do that. I did not understand me at all, or how what had happened to me for 16 years would impact every decision I would ever make in my life.
Seeking out a new way of life means taking the good with the bad, accepting that there are more bad days in the beginning. The tears and fears, shame and guilt of being a ill-equipped mother who did not do such a great job at protecting her children. Allowing the family that raised me to raise my children. When I became pregnant with my last son I swore to keep him safe and raise him to be a gentle and kind man, rather we lived in a relationship with his step-father that nearly killed both of us. My children do not speak to me now because I did not provide and protect them, I have forgiven myself for those mistakes, learned that there truly is no way I could have done anything different. My life was based on the lessons learned in my childhood, messages of inadequacy, confusion, hate, loathing, and little information to guide my decisions. I lived in emotion, instinct, pain, and grief. This I passed on to my children as it has been passed for generations.
Thus I write this in hopes that someone will learn from my story, seek out a new way of life and make the decision that is not easy, taking that road less traveled and creating the life deserved. Today I am the woman I was born to be, the woman I want to be, ever growing and changing, with emotions beyond anger, pain and fear. I am my hero, the one that will provide, protect and love me no matter what. I am alive, not merely surviving, no longer a victim, a woman in love with herself, walking in the Light of the Divine. I honor my children by the living amends, bring harm to none.
The tools are available, support groups and various therapies designed to guide you to healthier choices. However, it does require a conscious choice to do whatever it takes to live beyond where you are. There is something more in this world, it is up to you to find it and live it. No one is responsible for you, save you, no one “can make you” anything, it is not in their power. How you feel, what you think and what you do is your choice.
Choices are based upon a lie, false evidence, past stories. The people in your life do not know any better. They pass on what has been handed them and we pass this to the next generation. This is a cycle of life that is based on misinformation, made up rules as life moves on. You have the power to change that, to be more than your story.
Today I understand. The guilt, shame and lies that guided my life are silent. The decisions are based on research, informed and guided by the Divine. Today I live in gratitude.
You do not travel this path alone. I am with you on this journey. I send you blessings and healing.