The Unconscious Blueprint: An Introduction
When we keep hoping and wishing a partner will change, we are really hoping they will finally meet our needs and fill what is missing inside us.
I discovered this truth when I found the book Women Who Love Too Much by Robin Norwood. (see note) Within the first couple of pages, I realized it described my entire life—and it fits so many more of our lives than anyone cares to admit. Norwood guides us to understand how we repeat these painful relationship patterns, desperately chasing the fulfillment we lacked growing up.
That missing piece stems directly from childhood. Growing up with an adult who ignores or neglects us creates a powerful blueprint, teaching us to equate emotional unavailability with what love is supposed to feel like. It doesn’t matter if you’re male or female, or who your partner is. What matters is understanding that relationships are not there to fill a vacant space inside you.
The phrase that always comes to mind is “you complete me.” I used to hear that from men quite a bit. I was raised to believe that as a woman, it was my job to fulfill everyone else’s needs, and that it was selfish to ask for anything I required. Because of that blueprint, I continued to pick the same kind of men, the same friends, and even the same employers and clients. They all had one thing in common: they needed someone to fill a void in their own lives, and I was all too willing to empty myself to do it.
The Old Story
This is a poem from the book:
Victim of love,
I see a broken heart.
You’ve got your story to tell.
Victim of love,
It’s such an easy part
And you know how to play it so well.
…I think you know
What I mean.
You’re walking the wire
Of pain and desire
Looking for love in between
-Victim of Love
And it was such an easy part to play. It was easier to play the blame game, and not take personal responsibility for my own actions. That’s the lecture I used to get.
The learning curve came when someone finally told me that if I wanted to change I could. That recovery wasn’t an easy path. And the first time I got that conversation was my first outreach to a domestic violence counselor. Everything she said was scripted word for word and what I’d heard so many times. Not just from the significant man in my life, but my whole life growing up as a child and into adulthood every relationship I heard a similar phrase or a lecture.
The commonality was I was the one to blame. If only I would stop behaving the way I was, if I wasn’t so emotional, smart, and always seemed to have an answer for everything. The “if only” lived within for most of my adult life and manifested in so many ways, for years self-destruct, but also in violent relationships, both physical, sexual and emotional. Years later I see how my childhood was shaped to keep me locked in this pattern.
What I Learned Through the Tears
What I teach my clients, both men and women, is exactly what I’ve had to learn myself: we have to look closely at the lessons we absorbed growing up.
For a long time, I was the one hiding. I hid my emotions, hid from myself, curled up in a corner crying alone. Yet even then, a part of me stood out as different, always asking the difficult questions, remaining that perpetual three-year-old demanding to know why.
Through recovery and a river of tears, I came to a profound realization. I can take responsibility for who I am today, but no matter how I behave, proverbial good or bad, I do not deserve to be ridiculed, shamed, or disowned for who I am or for the mistakes I make.
Through those tears, I found myself again. I reconnected with the child inside me who felt unwanted. In doing that work, I discovered that my parents carried their own heavy baggage, their own unresolved childhood wounds. It belongs to a generational heritage, passed down from ancestor to ancestor.
The hardest truth to accept is that no one else can comfort you, fix you, fill your needs, or heal you. There are no heroes coming to your rescue. Except for you.
The healing journey belongs entirely to the self. I would love to tell you that someone else can do this heavy lifting for you. But this kind of emotional house cleaning is a solitary task. It is yours alone to do, and you are the only one who can.
Recovery is Possible and Doable
With perseverance, desire and a willingness to heal, find a new path and recreate yourself, healing will happen. Taking a line from a 12 step: “We do recover if we have the capacity to be honest.”
I do not believe that there is one person in this world that does not have the capacity to be honest. I can tell you there are people who have a very hard time accepting the grieving that comes with a path of recovery. They find it reasonable to remain as they are, having become accustomed to the rules of operation and as painful as it is, will never step outside that arena, that is their choice. I support everyone no matter their decisions. I will not however stand by and allow anyone to self-harm, I will be the proverbial pain in the backside reminding always there is a safer and healthier way. Recovery is messy, cyclical and doable, but as I have said desire and willingness is key.
I have had many women and men search out someone else to work with. Many did well, they were able to keep their current lifestyle without my niggling ideas. I am not for everyone and I do not know what is best, I do not pretend to believe it or state it, but I do express my concerns and offer my insights. Rigorous honesty is not easy to incorporate. I do not believe we can truly recover without it. Eventually we fall back into the same hole, we develop physical ailments and find death, institutions, sometimes even incarceration.
I have lost many a friend and companion to the disease that plagued them. This is beyond addiction, which is a self-medication. Eventually the tolerance is greater than the substance and no peace is found until surrender occurs.
Steps to Consider on Your Path
I am guilty of asking the same steps from everyone, the same steps I took on my path. Variations do occur. I do ask that you find what works for you, however, do not stray from that path. If you do stray, know there is no punishment, no discipline, you are free to make your choices, which also means there is no self-punishment necessary. It is what it is. The steps to recovery are simple, not necessarily easy, it is the deeper look at self that seems overwhelming.
The steps are as follows:
- Get Sober, no more alcohol, drugs, etc. Whatever addiction you are chasing needs to be ended. Sobriety is your first step.
- Check out 12-step fellowships for your addiction. Read the literature, get familiar.
- Check out alternative recovery fellowships, of which there are plenty.
- Get a journal (notebook of your choosing), include color pens/pencils, or don’t the choice is yours. The journal is your portal to that inner self that has remained in hiding all these years.
- If you choose to participate in a recovery fellowship, create a substantial support group. Find those who have traveled the path. Get to know them, get phone numbers.
- Create an emergency contact card, it can be an index card with the top five (5) relevant phone numbers. Make sure you have their permission to reach out when in crisis. Include the crisis hotline of your choice. Put them in order of importance to you.
- Create a private space, where you can cry, scream, yell, be emotional. Take your journal, find music that soothes, and use each to move you into a place of calm.
- Know this, once awareness begins, it cannot be stifled. You can try, however, you will keep returning to that set point.
- Go beyond the recovery fellowship: Find a professional you can work with. One that specializes in you. Interview each, ask the questions and listen to beyond the words. Remember you are hiring them to work for you, not the other way around. Having said that, it is a relationship, cooperation is a must.
- BE
- Tenacious
- Self-Honest
- Willing
These steps are written in a few of my other posts. Guides for those who choose to use them. I schedule time in the evening and again in the morning to connect with self. Journal writing is my way of dialoguing with my emotions and the monkey mind, giving it room to be heard.
Books to Guide You
I have a library of books that I recommend, not everyone reads them or cares to. Eventually some do. It depends on his/her pain point. What do I mean? When you reach a point, you cannot go on like you are, that is your bottom, your pain point.
The books I recommend are easy to find and at a real bargain. (see note)
- Women Who Love Too Much, by Robin Norwood (which is what this article beings with and another chapter will be written about)
- Miracle of Mindfulness by Thich Nhat Hanh
- Women Who Run with the Wolves by Clarissa Pinkola Estés
- Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous. I prefer the 3rd Edition. AA.org has an online version. As well as the 12 steps & 12 Traditions.
- A Woman’s Way through the 12-Steps by Stephanie S Covington, essential to being female in my book. It gives the female a guide to the language of men.
These are my primary books, there are loads of others. I am sure you find some you will read till it falls apart. These are well used books in my library, a few have had to be replaced because I loaned them and never saw them again.
Let’s Connect
My services begin with connecting with you, the person who is seeking change and guide you to the person who has made that change. When each of us takes that step into the inner self’s village, a way of being begins to emerge. The person who travels that road less traveled, yes that is another book, gains a new perspective on life, developing critical thinking skills that carry her/him to a new life.
You can find ways to connect with me on my Contact page. I do my best to respond within a 24 hour time period. If you do not hear from me do not give up, I may have missed your request. If you use email, be sure to include the subject line that fits my content.
I wish you well on your journey. May you discover your child self in all her/his glory.
NOTE: Each link is to my Alibris Affiliate account, I chose this book seller because books are seriously cheap, 99cents to a few dollars, even with the $4 shipping it is less here than anywhere, so no I won’t get rich but your purchase does help me feed my book addiction and I have a few more I want to purchase. I thank you in advance for assisting me.
