Introduction
I’m not sure what the norm is for raising children when it comes to anger, but I know my own upbringing well. The adults in my life did not permit Temper tantrums. Getting angry in any form was unacceptable. In fact, showing any emotion at all was frowned upon. The mantra of my childhood was clear: “Children are to be seen, not heard.”
The primary message ingrained in me was that “Anger is destructive.” I learned to hide my anger. At a very young age I was punished for having temper tantrums, being angry in any form. I had a great deal to be angry about.
The saying about not letting the sun set on your anger comes from the Bible, specifically Ephesians 4:26: “In your anger do not sin: Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry.” Advice from someone who meant well, yet did not understand my dilemma.
Even when I found my way to recovery, this belief persisted. Whenever I felt anger, someone was always there to tell me how wrong and dangerous it was. But then, one day, a man who supported me through my emotions deliberately encouraged me to feel angry. After 15 minutes, he asked, “Did you hurt anyone? Were you mean? Were you physical? Am I hurt? Are you hurt?” My reply was no. “Anger is not always destructive.” was his reply. I’ve replayed that moment countless times. Neither of us were harmful in our exchange. He was inciting, yes, but not harmful.
Yet, my default reaction to anger is to shut it down, to put it away, to box it up. Anger may be ignored, however, it is always present. Moments of frustration, agitation that is reflected in my language, attitude and lack of patience with myself occur. I’ve never really sat down with anger for a lengthy conversation, just quick chats, until recently.
As I move through each day with the focus on my healing journey, awareness brings with it the acknowledgement of spaces left unhealed. Each layer reveals another beneath. An excavation of self, into those treasures hidden away.
The Somatic Journey with Anger
One of the most important skills I have honed through out my recovery is listening to my somatic self. Our cells hold memory, this is the somatic self. What our minds do not remember and block out, our cells remember.
Our bodies are phenomenal. The instinctual, physical, sensory all work together. Fight, flight, freeze, fawn, all responses to trauma. Each I believe is reactive to the situation and based upon instinct for survival.
A one off trauma event can be dispersed given the right circumstances. However, it can be held in the cell memories until give permission to flow. Repeated trauma creates a held state of tension within the muscles, emotions, and belief system.
Hyper-vigilance, anxiety, depression, defense behaviors including physical striking out, verbal assaults are a reflection of that held trauma. Fight was not an option at the time of the event, more than not, flight was not either. Freeze is where these memories are recorded and held, waiting to be heard.
Allowing for the somatic self to have a voice is, I believe, an important skill worthy of honing. Because of this skill I have journeyed further that with cognitive therapy. It is a skill that is easily learned through the act of journal writing. If you are interested in exploring this skill, visit my workshop here.
Self-Dialogue: A conversation with anger
Through the Art of Journal Keeping: Self-Dialogue, I am the guide. I provide another path in recovery through conversations with emotions, self at different ages, and aspects of beliefs. Discovering self is an integral part of relapse prevention, healing, and creating that path in life free of harm.
Following is the beginning of my conversation with anger. Not a casual meet-and-greet, but the beginning of a deeper dialogue that aims to bring closure and skills for the future of this journey.
Me: Good day, Anger. I know you’ve been with me my entire life. Today, I want to get to know you in a way that hasn’t happened before. As a toddler, my temper tantrums were my way of expressing you. But I was punished every time. As a toddler, it’s instinctual behavior; without guidance, anger is expressed physically. My question to you is: Are you instinctual rather than intellectual?
Anger: As an emotion, yes, instinct is primary. Emotion isn’t an intellectual thought; it’s a physiological one. You physically feel anger. The physiology drives actions like temper tantrums, striking out, screaming, yelling—some form of physical activity to release the energy born of anger. Just like other emotions, anger has its own channel of action. Instinct is the vehicle I ride on. Reaction without thought. This is a dangerous path; destruction is inevitable. That’s why everyone in your life has tried to curtail your anger behaviors instead of guiding you to understand and manage them for self-preservation.
Throughout your early years, you were sent to Bible study classes and Sunday School. Your grandmother took you to church. Each of these venues preached the dangers of emotions, with anger being a sin nearly equal to lust.
Consider the Bible verse you quoted when you began writing: Ephesians 4:26, “In your anger do not sin: Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry.” It has been used to control many individuals’ anger. You’ve never taken the time to consider the truth of that statement; you allowed yourself to be taught someone else’s concept of it.
Read it, consider it, let it hang out with you for a while. Explore where it takes you. What comes to mind first?
Me: I suppose reading it now, I see that it has been misquoted and used as a tool to control me—and others. My anger scared them. “In your anger do not sin…” It doesn’t say don’t be angry; it says don’t harm another. No temper tantrums, no abuse in any form. I can be angry, just not harmful with my anger.
“Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry.” One interpretation I received from my grandparents was to never go to bed angry. Going to bed in anger makes for a horrible night’s sleep, and you wake up in a bad mood. What made you angry ferments, feeding on itself and creating toxicity. Acting out returns to the “sin.”
It now speaks to me that being angry is not sinful or wrong. It’s alright to be angry. This leads me to the next lesson I’ve been taught throughout my recovery: anger is a blanket emotion. It masks all other emotions. We don’t get angry just because we’re angry; we get angry because it’s safer and hides the other emotions. It keeps one from feeling grief, fear, hurt, disappointment, etc. What do you have to say to this?
Anger: Let’s revisit the instinctual nature of emotions. As a child grows, they encounter a range of emotions, and each one demands some form of attention. It’s not always pleasurable, but it’s attention nonetheless.
Babies cry when they’re hungry, soiled, in pain, or in need of attention. This elicits a response from caregivers. They change, feed, comfort, treat pain, and hold the baby. Many adults, faced with a screaming baby, try to quiet it. Some resort to punishment, while others engage with the child in a more attentive or playful manner.
Babies learn what works to get their needs met. This is instinctual, not intellectual. They lack the capacity to reason through their needs and how to fulfill them.
As they grow, children enter a phase of discovery, experimenting with what garners different types of attention. They learn about intimidation, threats, and violence, and how effective these can be. Some children grow up abhorring violence yet remain passive to those who use it to control them. Others adopt that same violence as a means of control. All of this is born of Anger.
Yes, I encompass other emotions because I am a powerful tool that can be used destructively to provide and protect. In some twisted ideal of living, I become a means to gain. This is a never-ending rabbit hole. Books have been written on the psychology behind abhorrent behavior, violence, and the beliefs that lead to these actions. Yet, no one has found a solution that those who engage in these behaviors are willing to embrace to change their lives. There is a reward for behaving as they do.
I protect against grief, the aches of loss, and the hurt caused by words and actions. For many, it’s easier to feel anger and retaliate than to sit with grief, pain, sadness, betrayal, and similar emotions. I am guard against shame and guilt when asked.
I am always invited; I never invade. I cannot be present until I’m asked to participate. How I’m invited depends on the person asking. I can be used for harm or for healing. Just like the world, I have both a positive and a negative side. The path is to learn how to utilize me and the other emotions positively, bringing healing rather than destruction.
Parents are often wounded in various ways and, in turn, raise wounded children. Wounded children, until they choose to heal, cannot teach how to live with emotions or how to understand and utilize them. The healed child brings healing.
Me: I’ve feared you, heard your whispers, at times allowed you to be heard through yelling and arguing, throwing items and breaking them, my adult version of a temper tantrum. I have not been willing to allow you to be part of my life because I’ve seen how you’ve harmed in the past. I regret the words I’ve spoken and the actions I’ve taken under the guise of protecting myself, protecting my child, or retaliating against someone who has harmed me. In the violent life I lived, you were a great ally, protecting me from the beatings my ex thought he had a right to inflict. Without you I may not have survived.
I believe I understand now that I can sit with you, allow your presence, and not bring harm. Learning to let you visit in a way that inspires healthy change in my life and removes me from the harm inflicted by others is a goal I’m pursuing.
I am Angry. I am no longer fearful of you. I believe I understand. Instead of hiding the guilt, fear, shame, and pain, I want you to accompany them, allowing them to be heard and bringing awareness to what brings them forth. I wish to examine the beliefs that keep me locked in the same destructive patterns, the same cycle of self-sabotage.
I recognize my progress; however, there are still areas left to reveal and heal. My self-sabotage whispers that I deserve to be punished. That punishment is subtle. I recognize it, and listen, another conversation to be had.
In Closing
This conversation is far from over. To me these conversations are akin to visiting friends and relatives. We have a meaningful dialogue or a superficial one. In my recovery I choose to have the meaningful one, but I am not without procrastination.
By setting the conversations to the side, continuing as if there is nothing wrong, becomes a form of self-punishment. Because the unspoken word festers in hiding, those shadows become crowded, eventually breaking out into all areas of life. Reactions such as verbally expressing frustration, yelling, or other ways of releasing that energy occur. Many times we say and do things that cannot be taken back.
I leave you with this thought: No harm to none. When you bring no harm to self, you will never bring harm to another. You are the priority, do not harm self.
I do hope you take the time to visit my workshop and begin the journey of self-dialogue. I have paid and free content. Set up your free Patreon account here with my workshop.
